Iron Bowl 2012 (The only "bowl" Auburn will play in this year)

I hate Auburn. I mean, I REALLY hate Auburn. But you already know that. And in case you forgot, CLICK HERE. Or HERE. Or even better, CLICK HERE and read Kevin Scarbinsky's column defending me. That last one was definitely my favorite.

I hate John Heisman, I hate Shug Jordan, I hate Patrick Fain Dye, I hate Pat Dye's pants that were found floating in the river, I hate Alabama Polytechnic Institute, and I hate 1892 because that was the year Auburn first fielded a football team.

I hate 1957 and 2010, the 2 years that they cheated to win national championships, I hate all 66 All Americans they have had in their history (Which pales in comparison to Alabama's 100 or whatever), I hate their seven SEC titles because seven is a lame ass number compared to the 22 that Bama has, I hate Pat Dye (That one needed to be said again), I hate Pat Dye FIELD, I hate Jordan Hare Stadium, and I hate the way that they pronounce the name "Jordan" like it has an E in it.

Seriously. NOTHING WILL KILL THEM.

I hate those damn dying oak trees that won't die, I hate College and Magnolia, and I hate the Wal Mart there because they only have Auburn gear.

I hate David Housel, I hate Bobby Lowder, I hate Bo Jackson, I hate Patrick Nix, I hate Stan White, I hate Terry Bowden, I hate Tommy Tuberville and his 6 fingers, I hate Stanley McGlover and the rest of the Auburn defensive line that we made look like future NFL hall of famers in 2005, I hate the 11 sacks on Brodie, I hate the "Honk If You Sacked Brodie" bumper stickers, I hate Quentin Groves, I hate Wes Byrum, and I hate Jason Campbell even though I partied with him in 2004.

I hate Milton McGregor, I hate the yella fella, I hate Jay Jacobs, I hate Jay Gogue, I hate Brandon Cox, I hate Ben Tate, I hate Gene Chizik. Actually, I LOVE Gene Chizik and hope he never goes anywhere. I hate the uphill walk to the stadium that I had to make when I went to AU's spring game in 2007 with some Barner friends, I hate the stupid red headed bitch who scoffed at me when I mentioned Nick Saban and told me that not only would he never win a title at Bama, but he would be gone in 3 or 4 years for another job. I hate the lemonade at the drug store that tastes like piss, and I hate the chick that looked like Ashleigh Simpson who turned me down at that same party that Jason Campbell was at.

I hate the phrase "Go Crazy Cadillac", I hate Rod Bramblett, I hate Justin Hokanson, I hate Jeffrey Lee, I hate AuburnSports.com, AuburnEagle.com, and it's hard to hate Doug Barfield since he was more worthless than Gene Chizik, but I still do. I hate Jonna Chizik and I hate her prayers.

I hate "Punt Bama Punt", I hate "Bo Over The Top", I hate the 24-0 lead in the 2010 Iron Bowl and the 100 or so friends I deleted on Facebook after that game, I hate Cam Newton and all the criminal activity he got away with, I hate Gus Malzahn, I hate KRISTY Malzahn, I hate Devin Aromoshadu and Ben Obamanu, I hate Courtney Taylor, and I hate Al Del Greco.

I hate "Keep It Down Home, Cuz", I hate "ALL IN", I hate their bastardization of the word "Family", I hate Miss Alabama from last year who was a Barner whore, I hate cows, I hate farms, I hate Guthries, I hate Pat Sullivan, I hate Tiger Walk, I hate "In The Trenches with Jeff Whitaker on Auburn Football Everyday, and I hate Auburn Football Everyday.

I hate Brian Van Gorder and his porn 'stache, I hate Daren Bates, I hate Lee Ziemba, I hate Reese Dismukes, I hate Ryan Pugh and his chop blocking, I hate Spirit The Eagle, I hate the Auburn Creed, I hate Tracy Rocker, I hate Terry Beasley, I hate Tucker Frederickson, I hate Takeo fucking Spikes, I hate Karlos Dansby, I hate Carlos Rodgers, I hate Kenny Irons, I hate Nick Fairley, I hate Phillip Lutzenkirchen, I hate the "Lutzie" and I hate that he doesn't know that white people can't dance. I hate Eyes On Auburn, I hate Lee County, and I hate Phillip Marshall.

I hate Cam Newton. I hate CECIL Newton. I hate the Carolina Panthers now, just because Cam plays for them. I hate the laptop that he stole and the students at Florida whose papers he cheated off of. I hate Blynn Junior College and I hate the stats he racked up for them, in between Florida and the 180,000 reasons he ended up at Auburn. I hate Mississippi State for letting themselves be outbid for Newton's services. Cause we all know that Jesus could play for MSU and they still couldn't win a championship.

I hate BB&T from way back when it was Colonial Bank and was a proud supporter of Auburn Football. I hate the fact that I had to switch banks because of that.

I just really really REALLY hate Auburn, you guys.

THIS YEAR'S GAME


But anyway, enough of that. Let's talk about this year's game. If we can even call it that. It's not even going to be competitive. The record for largest margin of victory by Alabama in the Iron Bowl is 44 points and Nick Saban will easily beat that record. He could double it, if he truly wanted to. But there will come a point when it's more important to let the backups play and not get anyone hurt, since there's a real game to prepare for the week after.

After the 2010 Iron Bowl, and heading into the 2011 season, when the phrase and promise "Never Again" got started, it wasn't just a motivator for last season. It didn't just mean that Bama was going to do everything in it's power to dominate the next Iron Bowl and exact revenge for the Cam Newton led atrocity. Never again means NEVER AGAIN! EVER!

It will be a long damn time before we will get over that collapse against Cam, and it will be an even longer time before Auburn's price for that game will be paid in full. Last year's 42-14 curb stomping was merely the first payment on a 25 year mortgage. And really, I will never be satisfied.

When it comes to this year's game, as with any game against Auburn, I long for total and completely merciless and embarrassing annihilation. I don't want Auburn to score a single solitary worthless point.

I don't want to cross their own 25 yard line. I want all of their drives to end with a punt on 4th and 23. 

I don't want them to complete a pass. I don't want them to achieve one first down. Every time an Auburn running back, whether it be Onterio McCallebb, Tre Mason, or Jay Prosch gets the ball, I want them to be tackled behind the line. Or better yet, fumble.

I want to sack Jonathon Wallace 20 times in the game, I want Auburn to throw 7 interceptions. I want the cameras to show Auburn fans crying as early and often as possible.

I want us to play Rammer Jammer B E F O R E the game even starts. "We are GOING to beat the hell outta you!"

I want Gene Chizik to trip and fall as he's trying to walk across the field to greet Nick Saban, I want Trooper Taylor to lose his hat before the game, I want Clint Moseley to play at least one snap, so we can sack or intercept him to. Same for Kiehl Frazier.


Throw out the records? Stats, etc.


Everyone always talks about rivalries and they always use that same played out cliche because this game is supposedly "different" and it doesn't matter what each team's record is, because each team is going to play with more passion and hatred and anything can happen. 

While crazy stuff HAS happened in the Iron Bowl, the fact of the matter is that the only time a huge underdog actually won the game was in 1972 and 1989. 

The best team pretty much always wins that game.

And the gap between the teams has NEVER been bigger.

• Alabama is 2 wins away from playing for it's 15th title, and 3rd in 4 years, while Auburn's players and coaches, it would appear, have pretty much given up on the season and are making plans for the holidays. Several of their players have said things on Twitter this past week about how they can't wait til the season is over and they can go home, etc.

• The last time Auburn's offense scored a point on Alabama's defense, it was on a touchdown pass from Cam Newton. And Cam Newton AIN'T WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR!!!!

• Alabama and Auburn have 5 common opponents this year. Alabama outscored Arkansas, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, and Texas A&M by a combined 168-67, going 4-1 against those teams.

• Auburn has been OUTSCORED by almost an identical mark, 168-68, in going winless against those teams.

• 22 times in history, the Iron Bowl has been played with Alabama being ranked in the top 25, and Auburn being unranked. The only victory for Auburn in those games came in 2002 while Dennis Franchione was letting go of the rope.

• No team in the SEC has scored LESS points in the 4th quarter of games than Auburn, with only 36 all year. They pretty much shit the bed and then QUIT. That is what will happen this week also.

• Alabama's Jeremy Shelley is the ONLY kicker in the entire country who has NOT missed a FG this year. Amazing, after last year, huh?

• After Saturday, this will be the first time Auburn has lost 9 games in a season since 1950. Gene Chizik is doing a GREAT job, y'all

• No defense in the country has intercepted less passes than Auburn this year. They only have 2 INTS all year. 

• Auburn has lost 9 straight SEC games.

• Only 12 times in history has a team finished the season with on 0-8 record in the SEC. Auburn is about to be No. 13.

• Only once in history has Auburn beaten Alabama, when Auburn's record is at least 3 games worse than Bama's. Auburn's record is an astounding SEVEN games worse than Bama's this year. 

• Alabama has won 37 straight games against unranked opponents. The last time Alabama was an underdog in a game was against Florida in 2009.

• Alabama has won 58 games since the start of the 2008 season, which is the SEC all time record for a 5 year span. The NCAA all time record for wins in 5 years is 60, by Nebraska in the 90's. With 3 games left on the schedule Bama could break that record. At least tying it is almost assured. Folks, we are in the middle of a dynasty never before seen at Bama. Saban is having success, sustained and consistent success, like even Bear Bryant didn't have. That sounds crazy, but it's true and there are a dozen other accomplishments I could point to as proof of that.

• The last time Alabama failed to score a point in a game was the year 2000. The last time Auburn was shutout was last week against Georgia.

• Alabama has been ranked in the AP Poll 78 straight weeks, which is a record. LSU is second with 61 straight weeks in the Top 25.

• With 3 games left in the season, AJ McCarron already owns the school record for TD passes in a season with 21, breaking Greg McElroy's record of 20 in 2010. He is going to SHATTER that previous record.

• The number of QB's that have started for Auburn this year is equal to the number of games they have won: 3

To summarize: Alabama has one of the best teams they have ever had and Auburn has possibly the worst team they have ever had. That's not hyperbole. That's fact and it's about the surest bet ever that this game will not be close. 

A VANDY fan is trash talking AU

Quotes

"Even if all the planets aligned, Nick Saban got stuck in traffic and couldn't make it to the game, AJ McCarron threw five interceptions, both Eddie Lacy and T.J. Yeldon got hurt and Onterio McCalebb returned two kicks for touchdowns, Alabama would still win by double digits." - Mike Herndon

"Win or lose, we keepin' Bama outta that championship game" - AU DL Gabe Wright. What the hell does that mean? 

"In their last two SEC games, the Tigers have surrendered 101 points to Texas A&M and Georgia. In truth, that sentence should've ended after "surrendered."" - Kevin Scarbinsky

So Auburn fans at least have something good to look at, I give you: